Back to the Drawing Board

Step 3 did not go as planned; I did not pass my exam. Letting the wisdom of friends, mentors, and loved ones sink-in so I can own and normalize that it is not the end of the world when we FAIL an exam or really at anything. So to be clear by not passing the exam I receive a FAIL score for my first attempt at Step 3. This means I will have to re-take the exam again before residency is over. There are many feelings around the results like frustration, disappointment, anxiousness, embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy

It becomes trivial and almost irrelevant when I sit down and put into perspective all the things that are happening around me peripherally and centrally, especially stepping back and recogninzing the very difficult moments folks are having individually and collectively. A poignant reminder of this was sitting in the hospital cafeteria half hour before a recent shift in the ED and over hearing someone making calls to friends and family members to notify them of the death of a family member. That on top of meeting some very ill babies in the ICN is enough to re-center my mind.

I have sat in conversation with co-residents about how we stay rooted in community and uplift silenced narratives into our work as residents. We realized being open with out story is one action we can take. I show up in this work as my full self- authentic and transparent with my journey, so those who rarely see themselves represented in these spaces can dream big, adapt and readjust when needed. Demystifying helps to tear down the idea of the unattainable “Ivory Tower” of academia. Ive been a firm believer that through this journey into medicine what has kept me motivated on pushing through my hurdles has been witnessing and listening to the vulnerability of other BIPOC folks on their path into becoming badass physicians.

One thing I have proven to myself time and time again is that I do not give up; I regroup and rethink and re-strategize. It is not that I did not work hard, it came down to having the wrong approach and prioritizing the wrong parts of my study plan. Next steps- ask for help, find a tutor, carve out time to study, and keep advocating for what I need as a learner.

In the meantime, I’ll keep living my dream of caring for patients and serving communities like those I come from and learning in hospitals my family dreamt of receiving care from when I was growing up.